“I had dinner once in Hell’s Kitchen,” you may be thinking.
“It wasn’t that gay. I didn’t see a single pair of ass-less chaps,
santorum wasn’t gushing down the streets into drainage pipes; in fact, I didn’t
even see a single parade float!” It’s true, Hell’s Kitchen is significantly
less gay-gaudy than the Castro. But don’t be fooled—Hell Kitchen’s lack of HIV
clinics on every corner doesn’t change that it encompasses an area as queer as
Johnny Weir’s makeup collection. It just takes a keen eye and a bit of inside
knowledge to spot it. Here are five reasons why Hell’s Kitchen is so gay.
1. Our ads make you want to wear a condom.
The advertisements on the side of our bus stops look like
this:
Companies used to have ads featuring men kissing women, but the local
community was appalled, and demanded the ads be removed. Lesbians get their
ads, too—I’m pretty sure I saw an ad for power drills somewhere on 9th ave.
2. Gay Bars.
Industry, Therapy, The Ritz, Bartini, Posh, Barrage,
Flaming Saddles—the list of gay bars in Hell’s Kitchen is longer than the list
of STDs you can contract within them. Studies show that on any given street
corner in Hell’s Kitchen, you’re closer to ten gay bars than you are to a
single mailbox, a fact that gives “dropping your package off at the corner” a
whole new meaning.
4. Men walk fabulously lavish chunky-knit sweaters on
leashes.
Straight men buy big cars to compensate for their small penises. Gay
men buy small dogs to allure other men to their large penises . Worse, it looks
like these dog owners bathed their pets in Christian Siriano's’s anus before taking
Fido on his walk. Adorned in sweaters, shoes, shawls, and bedazzled collars,
these poor pooches serve as four-legged embodiments of the faggotry within Hell’s
Kitchen.
3. A Long distance relationship means dating someone outside
of Hell’s Kitchen
New York gays swarm to Hell’s Kitchen like Kelly Clarkson
swarms to Krispy Kreme. In this poppers-packed part of NYC, dating prospects
are chosen based on their proximity. “For fuck’s sake, Shaun, he lives in the
UPPER WEST SIDE!,” Peter will often shriek. “Do you expect me to drop all of my
evening plans and trek north like a goddamn Indian on the trail of tears just
to see him?” The quickest way to end your relationship with a gay living in Hell’s
Kitchen? Tell your boyfriend you’re moving to the lower east side, and wait for the gasp
of horror.
5. Hillary Clinton Connection.
Hell's Kitchen actually has an alternative
and rarely used name: Clinton. And while this alternative name has no real
connection to the Clinton family, it simply can’t be a coincidence that gays have
chosen to create our mecca somewhere that reminds us of our Queen Lord and Savior,
Hillary Clinton. Her fierce determination, her work in human rights, her
outspoken opinions promoting gay rights as human rights, and—hell—her daughter
who goes on gay-bar crawls all make us love Hillary. If this part of town had a
president, we’d elect Hillary. Or maybe Nancy Pelosi…but I’m pretty sure she’s
all sticky from spending too much time in San Francisco.
