Football for Faggots: A Gay Man's Guide to Super Bowl XLVI

It goes without saying that most of you are aware our favorite idol American, Kelly Clarkson, and the Queen of all things cunty, Madonna, are both performing live on NBC this Sunday. However, many of you may not be aware that between musical sets on Sunday some heterosexual men will get sweaty and tackle one another for the viewing pleasure of other heterosexual men.

For those of you unfamiliar with "football" here is the jist: the Quarterback extracts the ball from the Center's prolapse then hands it off to which ever of his power-bottoming teammates he thinks is most in need of being dry-humped simultaneously by a group of burly 300 lb. Defensive daddies. They do this again and again, up and down the field until time runs out and everyone is finally free to go bukaki on the water boy in the locker room. That's football in a nutshell.

...I think.

This years Super Bowl pits the New York Giants against the New England Patriots. I appreciate this match-up for many reasons. 1) A Giant Patriot makes me think of a well-hung American. 2) I will be busy writing Eli Manning/Tom Brady adult fan fiction for the next week. 3) Having my city team in the game means that, win or lose, chances are good I can find at least one local straight boy just drunk enough to say yes...

While normally the Super Bowl comes and goes without the gays batting a single latissed eyelash, with the combined powers of Ms. Clarkson and Ms. Ciccone, we are looking at one the most homo-friendly sporting events in history.*

*This is of course not counting every single summer Olympics.

(mmmm Men's Synchronized Diving)

If this doesn't sound like a great excuse to get drunk together, I don't know what does! (tbqh, I think "Tuesday" sounds like a great excuse to get drunk together so my standards are pretty low.) To make sure your Bowls are especially *Super* here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts for planning the perfect Fay-Football-Soiree.

DO invite only your closest friends: You know who I'm talking about. Not those pampered queens you like to be photographed with at parties because they make you look trendy and popular. No, you want to invite those chosen few you feel so incredibly close with ...that you'll eat in front of them. For this one magical February day summer diets are put on hold and snacking like a hetero is encouraged so make sure to surround yourself with people who won't judge you after your 8th chicken wing and will gently rub your back while you throw it up an hour later.

DON'T invite someone who cares about the outcome of the game: You will only annoy each other. This will probably end in tears. Most likely yours because chances are he or she is bigger than you. However...

DO invite someone who knows a little something about football: During the first quarter its always nice to pretend you care and are going to pay attention to the game. This lasts about ten minutes. But during those ten enthusiastic minutes its always helpful to have a trade-y friend-of-a-friend on hand to explain what "number 19 with the cute butt"'s job is.

DON'T invite anyone who works in advertising or marketing: Its fun to have people who "only watch for the commercials" but its quite another to have someone who spends the entire evening sitting silently in the corner live tweeting "insightful" industry observations.

DO theme all your beverages and snacks to give your party that extra faggy flair: Manning Martinis, Tight End Tacos, Robert Kraft Mac and Cheese! The possibilities are endless.

DON'T host your party in an actual sports bar: You will only be judged for your over-sized bedazzled Mrs.Tom Brady Jersey, cut-off jean shorts, and Madonna-tribute biker gloves. This is not the night to "Express Yourself" in public.

Good luck and cheers a flaw-free Super Bowl Sunday!!

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm off to write about that time Tom and Eli went camping...

RECAP: RuPaul's Drag Race S04E01

Well, well, well girls...here we are. Back for a 4th pumped up, slapped together campfest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Despite my intact bitterness that the talentless Raja won last season (just one season after the talentless Tyra Sanchez won), I am beyond excited for this one! The girls are more varied than ever, there are a few hilarious girls instead of one comedic but ultimately tragic queen, and a few seem intent to cunt it up from the beginning!

Since the first episode is mostly a muddled intro + a stupid challenge to weed out the really weak queens, for this first recap I will just go through the girls and talk about what was or wasn’t memorable about them.

Alisa Summers - who? The first girl to leave us was a tacky mess with an over-accentuated breast plate, a DUI, and a sparkly panty costume to make my eyes twitch for days. She made no real impression personality wise, and her costume was immediately recognizable as the weakest to me. At least Jiggly, the other girl in the bottom, had funny arms in her costumes to make her look like Queen of the Armageddon Heap. This was just an ugly swimsuit with an ugly breastplate. Sashay away, indeed!

Chad Michaels - an old girl! I am actually sort of a fan of this one. Specializing in celebrity impersonation, this fossil actually straight up looks like Broadway legend Chita Rivera, but apparently is best “known” for Cher? I don’t quite see it, but hey, whatever tucks you in at night! I like this broad’s deep gravelly voice, and I think she will be a nice novelty for the first four episodes until she is kicked off.

Dida Ritz - CH. OK so this bitch didn’t make that much of an impression period on me except her getting all extra on Untucked for no reason. But I will address that messy shit she came in with to begin with. That ugly, 5 and Dime wig and the hideous makeup was not the way to make a first impression. If I were Ru I would have strolled over there, taken my glasses off, slapped her in the face, and shown her back to the Walmart parking lot she has been opening for Keri Hilson at. Mz Ritz was DOA for me.

Jiggly Caliente - OK so I have a bit of a soft spot for this girl because 1) she is just not cute and I feel for her and 2) I actually know this one a little bit and know that she is a spectacular performer. Drag superstar she ain’t, though. I think we saw that from her garish costume and even more garish excuses afterward. OH you didn’t learn how to sew? Not even a little bit? As the equally Dida pointed out, this is not Season 1. You should have fucking learned instead of pulling that Shangela excuse out of the box as it were (did anyone else’s heart stop when Shangie popped out of the box?! That was some New York on Flavor of Love shit!). I will be happy to watch Jiggly stay for a while, but she has no hopes of being Top 3.

Kenya Michaels - SNORE. Remember Jessica Wild? Remember Yara Sofia? They were more creative and more talented than you seem to be, looked exactly the same, and we hadn’t seen them before. I am done with you already, muchacha. You can sing America from West Side Story all day long, but you are still heading back on the quickest kayak back to Puerto Rico that I can find you.

Lashauwn Beyond - Ghetto name. Ghetto girl. Ugly contacts. Ugly costume. Bad attitude. Next!

Latrice Royale - NOW THIS GIRL I can get INTO!! I like the bitch as Aretha Franklin. I like the bitch as Biggie Smalls. I love a big black drag queen, especially one who seems to sort of have her act together. I am hoping this is the case with Ms. Royale, and she doesn’t end up being another Mystique or whomever that big bitch from Chicago was called. Once she pounded her way into that room (pounding is really the only way to describe something that large moving, right?), I was here for her. Top 5 at least? Doubt it, but here’s hoping!

Madame LaQueer - OK. LOVE the name. JEALOUS of the name. But otherwise I didn’t get anything from her. I haven’t counted her out yet as big girls are often some of the most inventive because they have to be, so I will wait and see on Madame. Also is she Hispanic? Did anyone get a read on her, other than that her eye make-up is almost uniformly grotesque?

Milan - Two words: BABY TEETH. Oh three more: HOOKED ON PHONICS. Just two more: GOOD. BYE.

Phi Phi O’Hara - So, I don’t even know why I am bothering hating this girl because between her extremely polished and creative looks and her overzealousness in being the main cunt of the group, she will almost definitely make it to the Top 3. I can feel it. But the way she went after Willam like maybe Willam killed her family Jennifer Hudson style was just inappropriate and really off-putting. She is the Raven of this season, and I  couldn’t stand her either. So keep it coming Phi Phi because Ru needs the ratings...but don’t be upset when no one is sad to see your ass go!

Sharon Needles - HERE. WE. GO. Now...I am more often a fan of camp and hilarious drag queens who also manage to look beautiful and interesting. I want entertainment! But Sharon is that rare breed that slips into the boy drag look and actually makes it entertaining and not faux-provocative (cough Raja and Ongina cough). Instantly hilarious with perfect timing, seemingly endlessly creative, and a definite shot in the arm that this competition needed. We haven’t quite seen someone like her in the last few seasons, and her winning outfit in the first competition was very much inspired. She is an entertainer first and foremost, and that is what a drag queen should be, rather than a runway girl. My very early favorite for the win!

The Princess - Despite the annoying name, I actually am intrigued and I think like The Princess. She has interesting ideas, funny monologues and reactions, and seems like a little bit of a misfit. I don’t see her making it all too far, and she will be forgotten as quickly as Elisha Winters or whatever her name is, but I am happy she is here.

Willam - BIG FAN. Having actually seen some hilarious videos of Willam doing random characters and knowing that she has actually been involved in some bigger things, I immediately see a queen who knows how to actually work within the business and possibly become a superstar. I also found her constantly entertaining and funny. I particularly enjoyed that she didn’t really go fully into it with Phi Phi when she was being verbally assaulted for no reason. She seems level headed and motivated and creative. I am hoping for her to be in the top 3.

OK so first episode impression for Top 3 is: Willam, Sharon Needles, and Phi Phi O’Hara. But you never know the twists and turns that tricky RuPaul will throw at these girls....so we will just have to wait and see! Tune in next week for the second episode’s recap!

Hell's Kitchen 2012 Olympics

London sure is doing a lot to prepare for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’re building new stadiums, new monuments—hell, they’re even building five new neighborhoods in east London! With all the Olympic fervor in the news, I couldn’t help but wonder what Hell’s Kitchen would do if we were to host the 2012 Olympics. How would the ceremony go, what would the events be?...

Opening Ceremony:

It’s not that most HK residents don’t like the outdoors, per se. It’s just that most of us think of the outdoors as a place you walk through to get to the subway, rather than a location for ceremonies. For that reason, we wouldn’t waste much time welcoming the world’s finest athletes. The ceremony would begin near Port Authority on 9^th ave, where drag queens—led by Mimi Imfurst—would hold off traffic and indignantly tell honking New Yorkers, who undoubtedly couldn’t care less that the Olympics are in town, to fuck off. 

Each country would be allowed one representative—their hottest male entrant, as chosen by the Hell’s Kitchen Olympic Committee. These entrants would then pile four into a taxi and drive up 9^th ave, waving to mildly amused by-standers. The ceremony would finish at Therapy, where the remainder of the Opening Ceremony’s budget would be blown on an open bar. 

Events: 

In lieu of traditional events, Hell’s Kitchen 2012 would embrace local-specific competition. 

1) Blackout Navigation. This competition would begin at 3am in the Upper East Side. Competitors would down ten shots of bottom shelf vodka and three beers in thirty minutes, and then be told to find their way back to Hell’s Kitchen. Team work is not allowed. Subway cards are not provided. Credit cards are provided, though judges move all cards to the wrong pocket of the competitors' coats around the 8th shot of vodka. The competitor who navigates home in the best time wins. Time penalties are applied for vomiting in taxis and peeing on subway tracks. Time bonuses are applied if the next morning, competitors can recall how they got home.  

 

2)  No HIV-Test-Suggestion Doctor's Visit. The premise is simple: Contestants must complete a doctor's appointment without the doctor suggesting an HIV test. The catch? Competitors must say they're gay. Single? Not sexually active? In a monogamous relationship for 10 years? Castrated at age 12? Makes no difference to these doctors, you HIV-prone homo! Because of this challenge's difficulty, gold medals are awarded to all who succeed.

3) Name that #1 British Pop Song. Contestants will listen to and identify a series of songs that have hit #1 on the UK pop charts. Ellie Goulding, Pixie Lott, Cheryl Cole, The Saturdays, Girls Aloud--they're all fair game. Andrew will present each song dressed as a geisha, and will purse his lips in quiet disdain as contestants fail to recognize hit singles. Nicole Scherzinger will make a guest appearance to remind everyone she's had mild success in the UK. Bonus points are given to anyone who can identify her by name (partial points are awarded for "that flop judge from X-Factor," and "that girl who has released 7 singles in the US and still not dropped Killer Love.") 

Geisha Andrew cannot believe you don't know these singers.

Hosts:

Andy Cohen--Will interview gold medal winners at the Bravo Clubhouse during Watch What Happens Live.

Ru Paul--Will be forced to dress as a woman the whole time. She's better in drag.

Rosie O’Donnell--Will also be forced to dress as a woman the whole time.

Anderson Cooper--Because someone needs to lend this event some credibility.

A Gay Roommate's Worst Nightmare

There are many things that us gays have to live in fear of. Leaving the house without properly blending our make-up. Forgetting to cover up that hickey our hideous drunken GrindR hookup left last night (who still does this?!) before a work presentation. Offerring to bottom and then realizing that your trick has only the cheapest possible lube available.

But nothing is quite so horrific as when offensive things lurk into your very household. A queen deserves her palace, does she not? Recently I have had the severe misfortune of landing a terrible gay roommate in the house I live in. He seemed so normal at first and we had a vacancy to fill mid-lease...but all too quickly did his tacky, ill-mannered true self rear its quite ugly face. A seemingly humorless and friendless disaster of an individual who is unable to hold his alcohol, (Cardinal Sin #1 in the gay community. If we wanted to hang around low-tolerance obnoxiousness, we would go to a straight bar!) he sloths around my abode with nary a good quality in sight. I thought it was a terrible situation...until I realized just how bad it could get.

About a week ago, my other roommates and I received an e-mail about decorating our living room. Granted, our house is in desperate need of decoration. Between a lack of commitment to living here for more than a year and a general financial lack of well-being, it has simply never been properly done. In fact it more closely resembles a college apartment closing sale than a place people live, not helped by the natural fixtures and walls of the house being hideously dated looking from the start. However, there is a difference between natural ugliness and ugliness created on purpose. Allow me to show you what this new person would like to do to our plasticky, white walls.

Hey guys,

I am thinking of jazzing up the living room with some removable dot decals on the walls.

Do I even need to continue? You want more? Here are the graphics!

Yes. I am afraid it is true. This person believes that this is an appropriate way to decorate a house. And don't get me wrong. I have seen circular decorative painting used effectively. But decals are the Britney Spears of decorations, and never would any of this look even half-way decent on almost shiny white walls. Naturally, my first reaction was to forward it on the the ladies in HK to get their feedback. Some choice replies:

Anthony

Peter

"that is a tickety tack tranny mess.  ask him if the faggy-ass decals include a special gift of a 9mm handgun, or perhaps Russel Armstrong-grade rope so he can off himself shortly thereafter..."

-The Ever Charming Steven

So now that we have established that I may be living on the very precipice of gay hell, I will now be taking donations via PayPal to move to Hell's Kitchen ASAP. Your help in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Evidence: Why Hell's Kitchen is Super Gay

“I had dinner once in Hell’s Kitchen,” you may be thinking. “It wasn’t that gay. I didn’t see a single pair of ass-less chaps, santorum wasn’t gushing down the streets into drainage pipes; in fact, I didn’t even see a single parade float!” It’s true, Hell’s Kitchen is significantly less gay-gaudy than the Castro. But don’t be fooled—Hell Kitchen’s lack of HIV clinics on every corner doesn’t change that it encompasses an area as queer as Johnny Weir’s makeup collection. It just takes a keen eye and a bit of inside knowledge to spot it. Here are five reasons why Hell’s Kitchen is so gay.   

1. Our ads make you want to wear a condom.

The advertisements on the side of our bus stops look like this:

 

Companies used to have ads featuring men kissing women, but the local community was appalled, and demanded the ads be removed. Lesbians get their ads, too—I’m pretty sure  I saw an ad for power drills somewhere on 9th ave. 

2. Gay Bars. 

Industry, Therapy, The Ritz, Bartini, Posh, Barrage, Flaming Saddles—the list of gay bars in Hell’s Kitchen is longer than the list of STDs you can contract within them. Studies show that on any given street corner in Hell’s Kitchen, you’re closer to ten gay bars than you are to a single mailbox, a fact that gives “dropping your package off at the corner” a whole new meaning.

4. Men walk fabulously lavish chunky-knit sweaters on leashes. 

Straight men buy big cars to compensate for their small penises. Gay men buy small dogs to allure other men to their large penises . Worse, it looks like these dog owners bathed their pets in Christian Siriano's’s anus before taking Fido on his walk. Adorned in sweaters, shoes, shawls, and bedazzled collars, these poor pooches serve as four-legged embodiments of the faggotry within Hell’s Kitchen. 

 

3. A Long distance relationship means dating someone outside of Hell’s Kitchen

New York gays swarm to Hell’s Kitchen like Kelly Clarkson swarms to Krispy Kreme. In this poppers-packed part of NYC, dating prospects are chosen based on their proximity. “For fuck’s sake, Shaun, he lives in the UPPER WEST SIDE!,” Peter will often shriek. “Do you expect me to drop all of my evening plans and trek north like a goddamn Indian on the trail of tears just to see him?” The quickest way to end your relationship with a gay living in Hell’s Kitchen? Tell your boyfriend you’re moving to the lower east side, and wait for the gasp of horror.

5. Hillary Clinton Connection. 

Hell's Kitchen actually has an alternative and rarely used name: Clinton. And while this alternative name has no real connection to the Clinton family, it simply can’t be a coincidence that gays have chosen to create our mecca somewhere that reminds us of our Queen Lord and Savior, Hillary Clinton. Her fierce determination, her work in human rights, her outspoken opinions promoting gay rights as human rights, and—hell—her daughter who goes on gay-bar crawls all make us love Hillary. If this part of town had a president, we’d elect Hillary. Or maybe Nancy Pelosi…but I’m pretty sure she’s all sticky from spending too much time in San Francisco.  

  

Choosy Faggots, Choose GIFS!

I'll start off by saying that if you don't know the tag line I am referencing in the title, you had a terrible childhood with no cable or a not-so-choosy mom who didn't love you. But you are probably still a faggot, but just a basic one at that.

ANYWAY, gifs for those of you who aren't aware are simply animated images, generally from a movie, TV show, etc. that are picked out because they depict a funny scenario or pivotal part of the video.

OR if you're a faggot, a gif is a cunty way of responding to a Facebook post, a twitter twat or a mass email chain full of some of the rudest shit a group of homosexuals can throw at one another--ya know--when words just aren't enough. Gifs can either stand alone as your input to the conversation or act in chorus with some sort of bitchy slander to enhance its effect. There truly is a gif for every occasion, and often times my friends and I will correspond throughout the day almost entirely using them.

For example, should that bargain basement bitch Steven (love ya boo!!) attempt to say that he was in fact, NOT a bargain basement bitch, I might post this gif below along with a comment about how he never misses a fire sale on billowy tops or skank tanks at TAGG:

Or let's say that Liam, Andrew, and hell let's throw Sacagafaga, Anthony, in there too, start trying to diva off about which one of their faves screeched that whistle note in Defying Gravity better (although I do loves me some Wicked) or whether Patti Lupone or Elaine Stritch sang "Ladies Who Lunch" better--I might appropriately respond to them individually with something like this:

OR I could respond to them collectively with a MEME, which is similar to a gif, but can be stationary like the one below:

Oh and not one to leave anyone out...let's say that Shaun makes that same old tired joke when he walks in the room and any SJP scene of Sex and the City is on about how much he loves Seabiscuit. That is the perfect opportunity to pull up this gif on your computer, turn your laptop screen to face him and let Ms. Tanisha from BGC speak for you!

Basically, gifs are just a more versatile (I see you chuckling, homo) way of being rude and cunty to your friends. The art of gifs is in knowing which one is the perfect one to respond to the specific situation. The most discerning and diligent (read: unemployed) faggots create folders on their computers where they catalog gifs that they stumble upon in the hopes that one day it will prove useful. Others have certain sites they know has a large array of gifs that are appropriate, (see for ex. RealityTVGifs--cat's outta the bag now, Sacagafaga!)

So next time one of your friends says something stupid on an email chain or tries to come at you on Facebook or Twatter with shit that's more basic than Nicole Scherzinger's career, don't try and tell them simply in words how idiotic they sound! Spice things up a bit with an elegantly placed gif and let Queen Bey tell that simple faggot how dumb they really are:

Let Me Be Your Star!!

Didn't Evita wear a dress like this? Slut!

Tonight I had the great pleasure of going to an advance screening of the upcoming NBC premiere of "Smash"...and I could not have been more pleased with it! I have been shaking and crying over the idea of this show since the very first preview. It has more things than I can even count to love about it, but I will try anyway.

DO YOU SEE THE SPARKLY UNIFORMS?!

1) Flaw-free Idol reject Katharine McPhee in her acting debut

2) Flaw-repellant Wicked alumni Megan Hilty (the part I am most excited about, tbh)

3) Fierce bitch extraordinaire Anjelica Houston playing a fierce bitch

4) A mouth-watering cast and set of producers

5) Oh did we mention it is about a Broadway musical?

6) And that it has multiple musical numbers per episode?

7) And that this numbering system isn't really working out anymore?

8) It is gay boy's wettest of dreams...is what the general point I am getting at?

OK...enough of that. The preview (which you can find below) had me literally calling/texting/emailing/tweeting/facebooking/banging-on-windows to anyone who would listen to me about this fantastic new show. It has now been months and in February it will finally premiere. Walking over to the theater tonight, I had a touch of apprehension that it couldn't possibly meet my high expectations. All of those worries were SMASHed to pieces! (Aha. See what I did? Ahahaha. HAHAHA. Hehhh...hehh...god I hate myself)

Me the entire show, tbqh

Smash is the story of two aspiring Broadway stars and the creation of a play based on Marilyn Monroe. Karen Cartwright and Ivy Lynn are two very different women with very different backgrounds who both are chasing their dream. While it very much feels that Karen, played by McPhee, is being framed as the star of the show, Hilty's turn as Ivy actually comes off as equally sympathetic and interesting. Not to mention more talented. Each song that Hilty sang on the show sent absolute chills down my body and had me squealing with gay joy.

What was most important to note from this extremely tight premiere was that not only did they do a remarkable job unveiling the many characters involved, but the musical numbers were believably woven into the storyline and were perfectly executed. If this first episode is anything to go by, non-theatre buffs will have no problem enjoying this show to its fullest. Much like the good moments of Glee (of which are numbered these days), you need not be into people breaking out into song to feel the joy and passion behind the songs and the characters behind them. 

While pilot episodes are always tricky to judge a series on (again...just look at the trainwreck Glee turned into), if this premiere is anything to go by, then Smash will be everything that I was hoping for and more. I just sincerely hope that American viewers and NBC recognize its brilliance and support it. Below you can watch the preview as well as a high quality recording of the musical triumph featured in this episode, Let Me Be Your Star.