Friday, February 10, 2012

A Little Dose of Sisterhood

Earlier this week resident house-husband Alan astutely pointed out our habit of expressing affection through bitchery. While this may be our preferred recreational activity (well, that and pre-gaming to not leave the apartment), sometimes our premenstrual vitriol can be too much even for us. On those few occasions we like to press pause and take a moment to remind one another that even though we may call Anthony's reputation "Parking Lot Pussy," or Peter's rectum "prolapsed," or Shaun's face "beat-within-an-inch-of-its-life," we still truly love one another and wish each other the best in life.

This is one such occasion.

As I'm sure most of you are unaware, our dear Steven has been working his Adderall-aided ass off for the past two months in preparation for a particularly nasty entrance exam. Now, unlike a Breathalyzer or STD screening, this is one test us housewives think he has a pretty good chance of passing. However, Steven has poured his blood, sweat, and many tears into studying for this exam, abstaining from many of the activities that make life in Hell's Kitchen worth living. Therefore, on the eve of his exam, we'd like to take this opportunity to offer our support to our sister-wife and our confidence in his future success. Steven, we could not be more proud of you.

"good luck!....

"I am thoroughly impress-ed by the amount of work that you've put into this test! Can't wait to have your tranny ass back in all of its annoying fashion, faggot!"

"There's no one else that can handle a handfull of pills like you, Judy! You're gonna be a star!!"

"So happy you can graduate from classes and start being mildly fun again!"

"If I've learned anything from Peter Pan, its that you clap to let a fairy know you believe in him."

Good Luck, Honey Badger! We'll be waiting for you after, celebratory martinis in hand.

xx RHoHK

....oh, and we expect your first post on Monday.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

RECAP: Rupaul's Drag Race, Episode 2

This week on RuPaul's Next Top Model saw these still relatively ratty group of girls transform their booties into badonkadonks, throw down in a wrestling arena and give their best bubblegum babe look on the runway. While this is the type of challenge that I am not a fan of as it has little to no application in the drag world, it was definitely an entertaining one and it was nice that there wasn't some hideous blow-out within one of the groups...let's get down to each Queen!

Chad Michaels

I continue to be a fan of this gypsy/tramp/thief this week. She is all attitude and experience. With that deep gravelly voice and her never quite too girly brand of drag, she is someone who clearly has the skills and professionalism to be a drag celebrity. However, as I said last week she isn't the most interesting and I can't imagine what her market would be if she became a superstar...let's keep her around for a few more weeks, though. Perhaps there will be a challenge better suited to the geriatric that will let her shine.

Dida Ritz

I really can't with this one. Never beats her face properly, sports the rattiest fucking wigs that this show has EVER seen, and her sense of style is so off that I don't really understand how she got on here to begin with. That "Sarah Jessica Parker" look was missing a few things: a saddle, a sense of style, and any self-respect. For me, Dida is very much the most basic of the season, and the fact that she isn't gone is working my last nerve.

Jiggly Caliente

OK. DONE with this girl. Her attitude is so fucking messy, her outfits look like something she pulled out of the Haitian wreckage, and let's just be real: the bitch isn't pretty enough to be a drag superstar. Don't get me wrong...she could make herself more attractive. But her "Shit Spanish Girls Say" brand of drag is bottom-feeder...maybe Jiggly can get booked at Escuelita, but she isn't getting much more than that. Send this one sashaying, Ru!!

Kenya Michaels

I fail to see anything interesting about Tanzania Michaels. Little Congo here has none of the comedy of Jessica Wild, half the energy of Yara Sofia, MAYBE a tenth of Nina Flowers' creativity, and isn't even as interesting as Madame LaQueer. Not that Uganda has to be judged based solely on the other Puerto Rican contestants, but since they often pull the same tricks and have similar looks, it makes sense. I don't know that I have many negative things to say about Nigeria, but I also don't have anything good. Rwanda will be uninteresting filler until she has left our ranks.
Lashauwn Beyond

Girl. BYE. I am not at all sad to see this one go. All of her "strongest" attributes are high level tacky and uninteresting at the same time, and her personality is somewhere between Camden, the Bronx, and a 1st grade classroom. And once decided to pick Lashauwn as your first name. Can we say Dollar Tree employee? See you later bitch, TTYN.
Latrice Royale

LOVE this one more and more. This big bitch's display of wisdom and confidence on Untucked along with her consistently strong performance in the challenges has left me with a good, beefy taste in my mouth. She may not have the level of glamour that big girls like Delta Work have in the past, but she knows who she is and knows how to carry herself. I can't say I see her making it to the Top 3, but her personality is so stellar that I hope she sticks around for most of the competition. 
Madame LaQueer

I don't agree with the praise for her. I don't like her complaining about her ankle. I don't like how endlessly dowdy she looks at all times, and I don't think it was cute to denigrate herself down to a fat animal for the wrestling challenge. Drag queens spend their lives poking fun at themselves, but that won't win her any points in the long run if she doesn't show that she is a superstar rather than a prop. I dunno...most seasons can really only support one big girl per season, and Latrice is just worlds better. I see her disappearing in the near future.

Phi Phi O'Hara

Phi Phi served a lil too much Kardashian realness on the runway last night for my tastes, but the bitch is polished, professional, and creative. She continued to showcase that she has the personality of a pile of vomit by being overly aggressive and unforgiving towards Jiggly/all fat people in the world during Untucked, and I can't say I am interested in her. But it is sort of obvious that she is one of the best here, so let's hope she gives us something to root for sooner rather than later. Also, it helps that she is sort of a cute boy? I wanna get KiKi with PhiPhi!!
Sharon Needles

“We’re selfish, vain, creatures of beauty. And isn’t it bizarre how we make the best friends in the world?” Sharon continues to win me over on every level. Hilarious tension breakers, a seemingly amazing relationship with equally entertaining drag queen Alaska, and an almost intimidating amount of creativity. Sharon is a queen who could breeze through this competition, win, and then go on to be such a superstar. Sharon FTW!!!!
The Princess

I'm at a bit of an impasse with The Princess. I find her style and personality to be intriguing and interesting, and I think she has a cool way of going about doing drag. However, the whole shy thing has never worked out in my eyes as a drag queen. Normal drag queens can be shy if they are good performers because all you are doing is drinking and watching them in a bar...who cares about their personality? But to be a drag superstar, you have to have a magnetic and charismatic personality (so you know...not Raja). I sort of doubt that The Princess has that going for her...but I am still sort of rooting for her.
OK, I get that she is being sort of painted as a villain. And I understand why her tendency to brag about her considerable achievements in the entertainment industry can be annoying. But I think she has a great subtle sense of humor, a drive and a vision, and a lot of things that contribute to her possibly being the dark horse of the competition. I can't say I like that her style is often a little too Walmart, but she could have been wearing a burlap sack when she said "BYE" to RuPaul on the runway and I would have shrieked with laughter. I want Willam to be in this for long haul!

So, that's it for this week...I have to say I am a little disappointed that so many duds are in this season, but I think that queens like Willam, Sharon and Princess will keep me excited and interested...who do you think should go next?!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Guest Blogger: The Things I've Learned from the RHOHK

Editor’s Note: The RHOHK are happy to welcome our first guest writer to the blog—Alan. Alan is a fellow Hell’s Kitchen resident. A former brothel owner, Alan recently gave up his flourishing career to pursue his true passion--a job in the adult film industry. Alan is now the president and founder of Pint Sized Productions, a studio specializing in little person pornography. 

As a frequent visitor to the set of the RHOHK (and as the significant other of one of the resident housewives), I've learned and observed many things over the last few months. At first glance, most of what happens on the set would appear to many as being nothing more than the happenings of a group of (mostly) functioning alcoholics who do nothing but get drunk, make rude comments and obsess over recording artists of little or no fame. But to some, the subject matter of which is observed actually lends invaluable life lessons to any self-respecting gay man. I felt compelled to bestow the lessons I've learned on the rest of the world... and thought there was no better place to do it than on the RHOHK blog. Enjoy.

Lesson 1: Taboo Topics are Fun (and appropriate) to Joke About

To many functioning members of society such taboo topics such as sex, race, and AIDS are off limits while in a public setting. However, I've learned that such topics should be openly and widely discussed at all times when small children, impressionable people (tourists), and/or when other gays are in ear shot. The banter only promotes the widespread agenda of the gay left... and educates those less fortunate (straights and people who do not live in NYC) on the ways of the world.

Lesson 2: Vodka is Necessary to Sustain Life

Many scientific studies have been published on the negative effects of binge drinking and have branded alcoholism as a bad thing - but now I know differently. 

Now I know that vodka is an essential element of a gay man's diet. The volume and speed of which it is consumed only brings on the desired effect... which, if you don't know, is diminishing all traces of sobriety. Life is much more fun with a buzz.

Lesson 3: Makeup and High Heels Aren't Just for Women

Cultural norm leads us to believe as young men (read: trannies) that using makeup and wearing high heels is only reserved for those with God-given vagina's. HOWEVER, gender stereotypes be damned, as I now know that makeup is an essential part of any respectable outfit, and that high heels are not only fun, new accessories, but also can serve as appropriate footwear for when flaming about the apartment. 

Lesson 4: Cuntiness = Affection

Prior to my time spent with the housewives, I expressed my affection by saying loving, uplifting and positive things to the people who were important to me. Luckily, I've learned that is NOT the way to express feelings of affection or love. In order for gays to TRULY know you love them is my making snarky, rude and/or incredibly cunty comments to the one's you love. This is the only way.

And there they are ladies, the four lessons I've learned. I know you all must be dying (probably from AIDS) for this post to end, but I only have one more thing to say. 

Although the RHOHK are outrageous, undeniable drunks (who also happen to be helplessly gay) I must say that they are some of the funniest, most welcoming and love-able boys in the world and I feel so lucky that I can witness their antics and publicly shame them on their own blog.

Honorary Housewife,

Friday, February 3, 2012

How to Speak GIF: Choosey Housewives Choose GIFs!

Speaking GIF isn't easy. It takes wit, humor, and an impeccable ability to store good GIFs in obscenely well categorized folders in anticipation of that right situation. The Housewives of Hell's Kitchen understand this isn't easy, and we're here to help those seeking to become fluent in GIF. To help you learn, we're providing periodic lessons in the form of examples. It's simple: we offer a situation, and then each of us gives an appropriate response to that situation in GIF form.

Situation 1: At the club, your good friend falls down a small flight of stairs while attempting to descend to the dance floor.



Situation 2: At brunch, you try to specialize your all-you-can-drink order, but the bartender tells you all the drinks come pre-mixed.


Situation 3: You open up yet another invite from a friend whose hosting a viewing party for the new season of Ru Paul's Drag Race in Hell's Kitchen. 


Situation 4: You hear the news that Nicole Scherzinger won't be asked back to mentor the next season of the  US X-Factor.


Situation 5: You hear that Steve Jones won't be brought back to host the next season of the US X-Factor. 

Feeling more fluent in GIF? Good! Practice responding to these situations yourself in the comments section below.