It goes without saying that most of you are aware our favorite idol American, Kelly Clarkson, and the Queen of all things cunty, Madonna, are both performing live on NBC this Sunday. However, many of you may not be aware that between musical sets on Sunday some heterosexual men will get sweaty and tackle one another for the viewing pleasure of other heterosexual men.
For those of you unfamiliar with "football" here is the jist: the Quarterback extracts the ball from the Center's prolapse then hands it off to which ever of his power-bottoming teammates he thinks is most in need of being dry-humped simultaneously by a group of burly 300 lb. Defensive daddies. They do this again and again, up and down the field until time runs out and everyone is finally free to go bukaki on the water boy in the locker room. That's football in a nutshell.
...I think.
This years Super Bowl pits the New York Giants against the New England Patriots. I appreciate this match-up for many reasons. 1) A Giant Patriot makes me think of a well-hung American. 2) I will be busy writing Eli Manning/Tom Brady adult fan fiction for the next week. 3) Having my city team in the game means that, win or lose, chances are good I can find at least one local straight boy just drunk enough to say yes...
While normally the Super Bowl comes and goes without the gays batting a single latissed eyelash, with the combined powers of Ms. Clarkson and Ms. Ciccone, we are looking at one the most homo-friendly sporting events in history.*
*This is of course not counting every single summer Olympics.
(mmmm Men's Synchronized Diving)
If this doesn't sound like a great excuse to get drunk together, I don't know what does! (tbqh, I think "Tuesday" sounds like a great excuse to get drunk together so my standards are pretty low.) To make sure your Bowls are especially *Super* here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts for planning the perfect Fay-Football-Soiree.
DO invite only your closest friends: You know who I'm talking about. Not those pampered queens you like to be photographed with at parties because they make you look trendy and popular. No, you want to invite those chosen few you feel so incredibly close with ...that you'll eat in front of them. For this one magical February day summer diets are put on hold and snacking like a hetero is encouraged so make sure to surround yourself with people who won't judge you after your 8th chicken wing and will gently rub your back while you throw it up an hour later.
DON'T invite someone who cares about the outcome of the game: You will only annoy each other. This will probably end in tears. Most likely yours because chances are he or she is bigger than you. However...
DO invite someone who knows a little something about football: During the first quarter its always nice to pretend you care and are going to pay attention to the game. This lasts about ten minutes. But during those ten enthusiastic minutes its always helpful to have a trade-y friend-of-a-friend on hand to explain what "number 19 with the cute butt"'s job is.
DON'T invite anyone who works in advertising or marketing: Its fun to have people who "only watch for the commercials" but its quite another to have someone who spends the entire evening sitting silently in the corner live tweeting "insightful" industry observations.
DO theme all your beverages and snacks to give your party that extra faggy flair: Manning Martinis, Tight End Tacos, Robert Kraft Mac and Cheese! The possibilities are endless.
DON'T host your party in an actual sports bar: You will only be judged for your over-sized bedazzled Mrs.Tom Brady Jersey, cut-off jean shorts, and Madonna-tribute biker gloves. This is not the night to "Express Yourself" in public.
Good luck and cheers a flaw-free Super Bowl Sunday!!
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm off to write about that time Tom and Eli went camping...
You are so brills...I love this!
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