Tuesday, January 31, 2012

RECAP: RuPaul's Drag Race S04E01

Well, well, well girls...here we are. Back for a 4th pumped up, slapped together campfest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Despite my intact bitterness that the talentless Raja won last season (just one season after the talentless Tyra Sanchez won), I am beyond excited for this one! The girls are more varied than ever, there are a few hilarious girls instead of one comedic but ultimately tragic queen, and a few seem intent to cunt it up from the beginning!

Since the first episode is mostly a muddled intro + a stupid challenge to weed out the really weak queens, for this first recap I will just go through the girls and talk about what was or wasn’t memorable about them.

Alisa Summers - who? The first girl to leave us was a tacky mess with an over-accentuated breast plate, a DUI, and a sparkly panty costume to make my eyes twitch for days. She made no real impression personality wise, and her costume was immediately recognizable as the weakest to me. At least Jiggly, the other girl in the bottom, had funny arms in her costumes to make her look like Queen of the Armageddon Heap. This was just an ugly swimsuit with an ugly breastplate. Sashay away, indeed!

Chad Michaels - an old girl! I am actually sort of a fan of this one. Specializing in celebrity impersonation, this fossil actually straight up looks like Broadway legend Chita Rivera, but apparently is best “known” for Cher? I don’t quite see it, but hey, whatever tucks you in at night! I like this broad’s deep gravelly voice, and I think she will be a nice novelty for the first four episodes until she is kicked off.

Dida Ritz - CH. OK so this bitch didn’t make that much of an impression period on me except her getting all extra on Untucked for no reason. But I will address that messy shit she came in with to begin with. That ugly, 5 and Dime wig and the hideous makeup was not the way to make a first impression. If I were Ru I would have strolled over there, taken my glasses off, slapped her in the face, and shown her back to the Walmart parking lot she has been opening for Keri Hilson at. Mz Ritz was DOA for me.

Jiggly Caliente - OK so I have a bit of a soft spot for this girl because 1) she is just not cute and I feel for her and 2) I actually know this one a little bit and know that she is a spectacular performer. Drag superstar she ain’t, though. I think we saw that from her garish costume and even more garish excuses afterward. OH you didn’t learn how to sew? Not even a little bit? As the equally Dida pointed out, this is not Season 1. You should have fucking learned instead of pulling that Shangela excuse out of the box as it were (did anyone else’s heart stop when Shangie popped out of the box?! That was some New York on Flavor of Love shit!). I will be happy to watch Jiggly stay for a while, but she has no hopes of being Top 3.

Kenya Michaels - SNORE. Remember Jessica Wild? Remember Yara Sofia? They were more creative and more talented than you seem to be, looked exactly the same, and we hadn’t seen them before. I am done with you already, muchacha. You can sing America from West Side Story all day long, but you are still heading back on the quickest kayak back to Puerto Rico that I can find you.

Lashauwn Beyond - Ghetto name. Ghetto girl. Ugly contacts. Ugly costume. Bad attitude. Next!

Latrice Royale - NOW THIS GIRL I can get INTO!! I like the bitch as Aretha Franklin. I like the bitch as Biggie Smalls. I love a big black drag queen, especially one who seems to sort of have her act together. I am hoping this is the case with Ms. Royale, and she doesn’t end up being another Mystique or whomever that big bitch from Chicago was called. Once she pounded her way into that room (pounding is really the only way to describe something that large moving, right?), I was here for her. Top 5 at least? Doubt it, but here’s hoping!

Madame LaQueer - OK. LOVE the name. JEALOUS of the name. But otherwise I didn’t get anything from her. I haven’t counted her out yet as big girls are often some of the most inventive because they have to be, so I will wait and see on Madame. Also is she Hispanic? Did anyone get a read on her, other than that her eye make-up is almost uniformly grotesque?

Milan - Two words: BABY TEETH. Oh three more: HOOKED ON PHONICS. Just two more: GOOD. BYE.

Phi Phi O’Hara - So, I don’t even know why I am bothering hating this girl because between her extremely polished and creative looks and her overzealousness in being the main cunt of the group, she will almost definitely make it to the Top 3. I can feel it. But the way she went after Willam like maybe Willam killed her family Jennifer Hudson style was just inappropriate and really off-putting. She is the Raven of this season, and I  couldn’t stand her either. So keep it coming Phi Phi because Ru needs the ratings...but don’t be upset when no one is sad to see your ass go!

Sharon Needles - HERE. WE. GO. Now...I am more often a fan of camp and hilarious drag queens who also manage to look beautiful and interesting. I want entertainment! But Sharon is that rare breed that slips into the boy drag look and actually makes it entertaining and not faux-provocative (cough Raja and Ongina cough). Instantly hilarious with perfect timing, seemingly endlessly creative, and a definite shot in the arm that this competition needed. We haven’t quite seen someone like her in the last few seasons, and her winning outfit in the first competition was very much inspired. She is an entertainer first and foremost, and that is what a drag queen should be, rather than a runway girl. My very early favorite for the win!

The Princess - Despite the annoying name, I actually am intrigued and I think like The Princess. She has interesting ideas, funny monologues and reactions, and seems like a little bit of a misfit. I don’t see her making it all too far, and she will be forgotten as quickly as Elisha Winters or whatever her name is, but I am happy she is here.

Willam - BIG FAN. Having actually seen some hilarious videos of Willam doing random characters and knowing that she has actually been involved in some bigger things, I immediately see a queen who knows how to actually work within the business and possibly become a superstar. I also found her constantly entertaining and funny. I particularly enjoyed that she didn’t really go fully into it with Phi Phi when she was being verbally assaulted for no reason. She seems level headed and motivated and creative. I am hoping for her to be in the top 3.

OK so first episode impression for Top 3 is: Willam, Sharon Needles, and Phi Phi O’Hara. But you never know the twists and turns that tricky RuPaul will throw at these girls....so we will just have to wait and see! Tune in next week for the second episode’s recap!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Hell's Kitchen 2012 Olympics

London sure is doing a lot to prepare for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’re building new stadiums, new monuments—hell, they’re even building five new neighborhoods in east London! With all the Olympic fervor in the news, I couldn’t help but wonder what Hell’s Kitchen would do if we were to host the 2012 Olympics. How would the ceremony go, what would the events be?...

Opening Ceremony:
It’s not that most HK residents don’t like the outdoors, per se. It’s just that most of us think of the outdoors as a place you walk through to get to the subway, rather than a location for ceremonies. For that reason, we wouldn’t waste much time welcoming the world’s finest athletes. The ceremony would begin near Port Authority on 9th ave, where drag queens—led by Mimi Imfurst—would hold off traffic and indignantly tell honking New Yorkers, who undoubtedly couldn’t care less that the Olympics are in town, to fuck off. 

Each country would be allowed one representative—their hottest male entrant, as chosen by the Hell’s Kitchen Olympic Committee. These entrants would then pile four into a taxi and drive up 9th ave, waving to mildly amused by-standers. The ceremony would finish at Therapy, where the remainder of the Opening Ceremony’s budget would be blown on an open bar. 

In lieu of traditional events, Hell’s Kitchen 2012 would embrace local-specific competition. 

1) Blackout Navigation. This competition would begin at 3am in the Upper East Side. Competitors would down ten shots of bottom shelf vodka and three beers in thirty minutes, and then be told to find their way back to Hell’s Kitchen. Team work is not allowed. Subway cards are not provided. Credit cards are provided, though judges move all cards to the wrong pocket of the competitors' coats around the 8th shot of vodka. The competitor who navigates home in the best time wins. Time penalties are applied for vomiting in taxis and peeing on subway tracks. Time bonuses are applied if the next morning, competitors can recall how they got home.  
2)  No HIV-Test-Suggestion Doctor's Visit. The premise is simple: Contestants must complete a doctor's appointment without the doctor suggesting an HIV test. The catch? Competitors must say they're gay. Single? Not sexually active? In a monogamous relationship for 10 years? Castrated at age 12? Makes no difference to these doctors, you HIV-prone homo! Because of this challenge's difficulty, gold medals are awarded to all who succeed.

3) Name that #1 British Pop Song. Contestants will listen to and identify a series of songs that have hit #1 on the UK pop charts. Ellie Goulding, Pixie Lott, Cheryl Cole, The Saturdays, Girls Aloud--they're all fair game. Andrew will present each song dressed as a geisha, and will purse his lips in quiet disdain as contestants fail to recognize hit singles. Nicole Scherzinger will make a guest appearance to remind everyone she's had mild success in the UK. Bonus points are given to anyone who can identify her by name (partial points are awarded for "that flop judge from X-Factor," and "that girl who has released 7 singles in the US and still not dropped Killer Love.") 
Geisha Andrew cannot believe you don't know these singers.

Andy Cohen--Will interview gold medal winners at the Bravo Clubhouse during Watch What Happens Live.

Ru Paul--Will be forced to dress as a woman the whole time. She's better in drag.

Rosie O’Donnell--Will also be forced to dress as a woman the whole time.

Anderson Cooper--Because someone needs to lend this event some credibility.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A Gay Roommate's Worst Nightmare

There are many things that us gays have to live in fear of. Leaving the house without properly blending our make-up. Forgetting to cover up that hickey our hideous drunken GrindR hookup left last night (who still does this?!) before a work presentation. Offerring to bottom and then realizing that your trick has only the cheapest possible lube available.

But nothing is quite so horrific as when offensive things lurk into your very household. A queen deserves her palace, does she not? Recently I have had the severe misfortune of landing a terrible gay roommate in the house I live in. He seemed so normal at first and we had a vacancy to fill mid-lease...but all too quickly did his tacky, ill-mannered true self rear its quite ugly face. A seemingly humorless and friendless disaster of an individual who is unable to hold his alcohol, (Cardinal Sin #1 in the gay community. If we wanted to hang around low-tolerance obnoxiousness, we would go to a straight bar!) he sloths around my abode with nary a good quality in sight. I thought it was a terrible situation...until I realized just how bad it could get.

About a week ago, my other roommates and I received an e-mail about decorating our living room. Granted, our house is in desperate need of decoration. Between a lack of commitment to living here for more than a year and a general financial lack of well-being, it has simply never been properly done. In fact it more closely resembles a college apartment closing sale than a place people live, not helped by the natural fixtures and walls of the house being hideously dated looking from the start. However, there is a difference between natural ugliness and ugliness created on purpose. Allow me to show you what this new person would like to do to our plasticky, white walls.
Hey guys,

I am thinking of jazzing up the living room with some removable dot decals on the walls.
Do I even need to continue? You want more? Here are the graphics!

Yes. I am afraid it is true. This person believes that this is an appropriate way to decorate a house. And don't get me wrong. I have seen circular decorative painting used effectively. But decals are the Britney Spears of decorations, and never would any of this look even half-way decent on almost shiny white walls. Naturally, my first reaction was to forward it on the the ladies in HK to get their feedback. Some choice replies:



"that is a tickety tack tranny mess.  ask him if the faggy-ass decals include a special gift of a 9mm handgun, or perhaps Russel Armstrong-grade rope so he can off himself shortly thereafter..."
-The Ever Charming Steven

So now that we have established that I may be living on the very precipice of gay hell, I will now be taking donations via PayPal to move to Hell's Kitchen ASAP. Your help in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Evidence: Why Hell's Kitchen is Super Gay

“I had dinner once in Hell’s Kitchen,” you may be thinking. “It wasn’t that gay. I didn’t see a single pair of ass-less chaps, santorum wasn’t gushing down the streets into drainage pipes; in fact, I didn’t even see a single parade float!” It’s true, Hell’s Kitchen is significantly less gay-gaudy than the Castro. But don’t be fooled—Hell Kitchen’s lack of HIV clinics on every corner doesn’t change that it encompasses an area as queer as Johnny Weir’s makeup collection. It just takes a keen eye and a bit of inside knowledge to spot it. Here are five reasons why Hell’s Kitchen is so gay.   

1. Our ads make you want to wear a condom.
The advertisements on the side of our bus stops look like this:

Companies used to have ads featuring men kissing women, but the local community was appalled, and demanded the ads be removed. Lesbians get their ads, too—I’m pretty sure  I saw an ad for power drills somewhere on 9th ave. 

2. Gay Bars
Industry, Therapy, The Ritz, Bartini, Posh, Barrage, Flaming Saddles—the list of gay bars in Hell’s Kitchen is longer than the list of STDs you can contract within them. Studies show that on any given street corner in Hell’s Kitchen, you’re closer to ten gay bars than you are to a single mailbox, a fact that gives “dropping your package off at the corner” a whole new meaning.

4. Men walk fabulously lavish chunky-knit sweaters on leashes. 
Straight men buy big cars to compensate for their small penises. Gay men buy small dogs to allure other men to their large penises . Worse, it looks like these dog owners bathed their pets in Christian Siriano's’s anus before taking Fido on his walk. Adorned in sweaters, shoes, shawls, and bedazzled collars, these poor pooches serve as four-legged embodiments of the faggotry within Hell’s Kitchen. 


3. A Long distance relationship means dating someone outside of Hell’s Kitchen
New York gays swarm to Hell’s Kitchen like Kelly Clarkson swarms to Krispy Kreme. In this poppers-packed part of NYC, dating prospects are chosen based on their proximity. “For fuck’s sake, Shaun, he lives in the UPPER WEST SIDE!,” Peter will often shriek. “Do you expect me to drop all of my evening plans and trek north like a goddamn Indian on the trail of tears just to see him?” The quickest way to end your relationship with a gay living in Hell’s Kitchen? Tell your boyfriend you’re moving to the lower east side, and wait for the gasp of horror.

5. Hillary Clinton Connection
Hell's Kitchen actually has an alternative and rarely used name: Clinton. And while this alternative name has no real connection to the Clinton family, it simply can’t be a coincidence that gays have chosen to create our mecca somewhere that reminds us of our Queen Lord and Savior, Hillary Clinton. Her fierce determination, her work in human rights, her outspoken opinions promoting gay rights as human rights, and—hell—her daughter who goes on gay-bar crawls all make us love Hillary. If this part of town had a president, we’d elect Hillary. Or maybe Nancy Pelosi…but I’m pretty sure she’s all sticky from spending too much time in San Francisco.  


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Choosy Faggots, Choose GIFS!

I'll start off by saying that if you don't know the tag line I am referencing in the title, you had a terrible childhood with no cable or a not-so-choosy mom who didn't love you. But you are probably still a faggot, but just a basic one at that.

ANYWAY, gifs for those of you who aren't aware are simply animated images, generally from a movie, TV show, etc. that are picked out because they depict a funny scenario or pivotal part of the video.

OR if you're a faggot, a gif is a cunty way of responding to a Facebook post, a twitter twat or a mass email chain full of some of the rudest shit a group of homosexuals can throw at one another--ya know--when words just aren't enough. Gifs can either stand alone as your input to the conversation or act in chorus with some sort of bitchy slander to enhance its effect. There truly is a gif for every occasion, and often times my friends and I will correspond throughout the day almost entirely using them.

For example, should that bargain basement bitch Steven (love ya boo!!) attempt to say that he was in fact, NOT a bargain basement bitch, I might post this gif below along with a comment about how he never misses a fire sale on billowy tops or skank tanks at TAGG:

Or let's say that Liam, Andrew, and hell let's throw Sacagafaga, Anthony, in there too, start trying to diva off about which one of their faves screeched that whistle note in Defying Gravity better (although I do loves me some Wicked) or whether Patti Lupone or Elaine Stritch sang "Ladies Who Lunch" better--I might appropriately respond to them individually with something like this:

OR I could respond to them collectively with a MEME, which is similar to a gif, but can be stationary like the one below:

Oh and not one to leave anyone out...let's say that Shaun makes that same old tired joke when he walks in the room and any SJP scene of Sex and the City is on about how much he loves Seabiscuit. That is the perfect opportunity to pull up this gif on your computer, turn your laptop screen to face him and let Ms. Tanisha from BGC speak for you!

Basically, gifs are just a more versatile (I see you chuckling, homo) way of being rude and cunty to your friends. The art of gifs is in knowing which one is the perfect one to respond to the specific situation. The most discerning and diligent (read: unemployed) faggots create folders on their computers where they catalog gifs that they stumble upon in the hopes that one day it will prove useful. Others have certain sites they know has a large array of gifs that are appropriate, (see for ex. RealityTVGifs--cat's outta the bag now, Sacagafaga!)

So next time one of your friends says something stupid on an email chain or tries to come at you on Facebook or Twatter with shit that's more basic than Nicole Scherzinger's career, don't try and tell them simply in words how idiotic they sound! Spice things up a bit with an elegantly placed gif and let Queen Bey tell that simple faggot how dumb they really are:

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Let Me Be Your Star!!

Didn't Evita wear a dress like this? Slut!
Tonight I had the great pleasure of going to an advance screening of the upcoming NBC premiere of "Smash"...and I could not have been more pleased with it! I have been shaking and crying over the idea of this show since the very first preview. It has more things than I can even count to love about it, but I will try anyway.

1) Flaw-free Idol reject Katharine McPhee in her acting debut
2) Flaw-repellant Wicked alumni Megan Hilty (the part I am most excited about, tbh)
3) Fierce bitch extraordinaire Anjelica Houston playing a fierce bitch
4) A mouth-watering cast and set of producers
5) Oh did we mention it is about a Broadway musical?
6) And that it has multiple musical numbers per episode?
7) And that this numbering system isn't really working out anymore?
8) It is gay boy's wettest of dreams...is what the general point I am getting at?

OK...enough of that. The preview (which you can find below) had me literally calling/texting/emailing/tweeting/facebooking/banging-on-windows to anyone who would listen to me about this fantastic new show. It has now been months and in February it will finally premiere. Walking over to the theater tonight, I had a touch of apprehension that it couldn't possibly meet my high expectations. All of those worries were SMASHed to pieces! (Aha. See what I did? Ahahaha. HAHAHA. Hehhh...hehh...god I hate myself)

Me the entire show, tbqh
Smash is the story of two aspiring Broadway stars and the creation of a play based on Marilyn Monroe. Karen Cartwright and Ivy Lynn are two very different women with very different backgrounds who both are chasing their dream. While it very much feels that Karen, played by McPhee, is being framed as the star of the show, Hilty's turn as Ivy actually comes off as equally sympathetic and interesting. Not to mention more talented. Each song that Hilty sang on the show sent absolute chills down my body and had me squealing with gay joy.

What was most important to note from this extremely tight premiere was that not only did they do a remarkable job unveiling the many characters involved, but the musical numbers were believably woven into the storyline and were perfectly executed. If this first episode is anything to go by, non-theatre buffs will have no problem enjoying this show to its fullest. Much like the good moments of Glee (of which are numbered these days), you need not be into people breaking out into song to feel the joy and passion behind the songs and the characters behind them. 

While pilot episodes are always tricky to judge a series on (again...just look at the trainwreck Glee turned into), if this premiere is anything to go by, then Smash will be everything that I was hoping for and more. I just sincerely hope that American viewers and NBC recognize its brilliance and support it. Below you can watch the preview as well as a high quality recording of the musical triumph featured in this episode, Let Me Be Your Star.

Monday, January 9, 2012

One Faggot Shy of a Complete Set

I couldn't help but notice one crucial introduction has been excluded from Andrew's previous post - his own. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to our resident ginger.

If the RHoHK were a brothel, Andrew would no doubt be our busty madame, happily doling out the pearls of wisdom he's garnered from 146 viewings of "Hello, Dolly!" and dispensing his limitless supply of acerbic judgments with a flick of his oriental fan. Andrew operates out of our satellite facility in Philadelphia because, like a Monet, we best appreciate him from a distance. Renowned throughout the greater Philly area for his propensity to adopt orphan children only to abandon them once they fail to secure record contracts, Andrew also frequently treks up to New York to host his popular signature symposiums "Felching with Friends" and "Sit On It!: A Guide to Reusing Wine Bottles as Rectal Toys." In his spare time, when he is not busy hate tweeting HGTV designers and those other New York Housewives, Andrew enjoys dressing up in his kimono and heels and ordering takeout in attempts to seduce his local Chinese deliverymen to the sounds of "Fierce Belting Bitches."

Friday, January 6, 2012

Who Are These Faggots, Anyway?

These bitches could never be as glamorous as us!!
Andrew here! I think we are getting a little bit ahead of ourselves! Here you are reading off-color JHud jokes and being told you're too fat to even be on here, and you don't even know who these uppity homos are! As such, I decided to put together a brief biography on all of the classless ladies who reside on this blog. Ladies and ladies...I present to you, the Real Housewives of Hell's Kitchen!!

Peter is a professional dildo tester, gloryhole conoisseur, and hooker outside of various NYC law schools. He is known best for aspiring to be like D-list actresses and untalented pop singers, and has been able to gain some local fame for always being “down for whatever” on his GrindR. When he isn’t setting respect for the LGBT community back 25 years, he likes to practice his runway walk (Think barbie toe), beat his face into M2F territory, and find new spaces to store glitter in his body. Due to his lack of substance and legitimate things to add to the collective Hell’s Kitchen lifestyle, Peter is best described as the Cindy Barshop of HK!

The inspiration for Keri Hilson’s latest YouTube smash “Parking Lot Pussy”, this soon-to-be New Yorker has perfected the art of fast food hook-ups. When he isn’t cooking lentls (Big gay Stresiand fan), he likes to wear Dollar Tree weaves and pretend he is Solange Knowles. Proud of his citywide renown as a LaToya Jackson impersonator due to their similar resemblance to ET, Anthony has taken to working in television production in hopes of one day meeting his personal inspiration, Courtney Stodden. As one of the honorary Housewives of Hell’s Kitchen, Anthony spends his nights dancing in low-rent bars and making people say “Beyonce could never!”

As the blog’s leading classy uncircumcized penis expert, Shaun is famous on his block for having a face so beaten down that people ask if he is an extra for The Walking Dead. He is also one of Hell’s Kitchen’s premiere dabbler in the art of collecting clearance Pay-less heels. This paired with his Judy Garland level of alcoholism has set him on the fast lane to be in the top echelon of the C-List gays in NYC, and honor that Shaun is quite grateful for. While his generally rude demeanor has led him to be banned from the majority of the bars in Hell’s Kitchen, Shaun still spends his time prancing around the city being an all-around faggot.

A self-proclaimed purveyor of tacky decorations, Steven likes to spend his days going to janky antique shops and any vintage store that sells either billowy clothing or anything with strings. He recently gained fame by pressing charges against Dana Wilkey for stealing most of his personality traits, but was unable to get a judgment in his favor due to his unprofessional choice of clothing (a cowl neck skank tank!). Despite his quest to make his forehead look as big as Rihanna’s, the other Housewives allow him to occassionally come to their poppers parties, as long as gets rid of his ever present santorum scent beforehand.

A New Yorker best known as “Hey you aren’t allowed 100 feet from this playground!”, the costume addled Liam suffers from a physical and personality resemblance to Roger from American Dad. Most days he can be found singing showtunes, drinking home-brewed wine, and wearing various female wigs in Hell’s Kitchen bars (read as: bathhouses). While he has been having an ongoing dispute with GrindR for “using their service too often”, he has also been working towards his long-time goal to be mistaken for Patti Lupone on the streets of Hell’s Kitchen by an out-of-towner.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Five Tips for a Slim 2012 Body

The first week in January is a bitch. Our houses are in shambles from a week of partying, our Christmas trees look deader than Jennifer Hudson’s family, and—worst of all—we’re feeling fat, bloated, and guilty from several nights of binging and boozing. Fear not—you no longer need to feel as guilty as a Penn State coach at a playground and look as rotund as Melanie Amaro. Follow my simple 5-step healthy body plan and you, too, can reach your birth weight in no time!

1. Eat Healthy
So many diets tout the benefits of filling your body with fruits, vegetables, and proteins. What these diets naively ignore is that these nutritious treats are, indeed, food. Food is full of CALORIES. Hungry? Well maybe your fat ass shouldn’t have eaten all that pizza Friday night after staying out till 4:00a.m. on Grindr hookups. Eating healthy for you means saying no.  

2. Small snacks instead of big meals
One mustn’t forget the importance of scheduling time throughout one’s day for snacks. Therefore, stop every 30 to 40 minutes to indulge in a cigarette and a diet coke. If you bore of this routine, spice up your snacks by swapping out the diet coke for water! Still bored? Try drinking from your favorite martini glass. Who knew losing weight could be so fun!

3. Practice Breathing Exercises
A number of faiths have longed praised the merits of meditation as a breathing exercise to focus one’s mind. Such techniques can be very beneficial for losing those post-holiday pounds, too. When the hunger whore comes knocking at your belly, satisfy her by breathing in the aroma of a crispy stalk of celery or a freshly baked rice cake. Don’t actually place the temptation in your mouth, however; God can see your sin, and his kingdom does not shine brightly upon fat asses (Matthew 28:19).

4. Stay Hydrated 
Bodies can be foolish and confuse hunger with thirst. To avoid such complications, carry a Nalgene bottle full of gin and tonic with you at all times. The average person should drink three to four bottles a day, though adjust accordingly if your diet requires additional hydration. Fun tip: Decorate your Nalgene with pictures of people skinnier than you to serve as that extra boost of motivation! 

5. Focus on Yourself 
Most importantly, don’t forget to remind yourself why you’re doing this! Getting back in shape is never easy, and repeating a mantra can cement goals. Say it with me now: “It’s all my fault! I deserve this treatment because I couldn't control my lifestyle!” Isn't that better? Feel that warm rumble in your belly? That’s success, my friend, and you’re on your way!