Hell's Kitchen 2012 Olympics

London sure is doing a lot to prepare for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’re building new stadiums, new monuments—hell, they’re even building five new neighborhoods in east London! With all the Olympic fervor in the news, I couldn’t help but wonder what Hell’s Kitchen would do if we were to host the 2012 Olympics. How would the ceremony go, what would the events be?...

Opening Ceremony:

It’s not that most HK residents don’t like the outdoors, per se. It’s just that most of us think of the outdoors as a place you walk through to get to the subway, rather than a location for ceremonies. For that reason, we wouldn’t waste much time welcoming the world’s finest athletes. The ceremony would begin near Port Authority on 9^th ave, where drag queens—led by Mimi Imfurst—would hold off traffic and indignantly tell honking New Yorkers, who undoubtedly couldn’t care less that the Olympics are in town, to fuck off. 

Each country would be allowed one representative—their hottest male entrant, as chosen by the Hell’s Kitchen Olympic Committee. These entrants would then pile four into a taxi and drive up 9^th ave, waving to mildly amused by-standers. The ceremony would finish at Therapy, where the remainder of the Opening Ceremony’s budget would be blown on an open bar. 

Events: 

In lieu of traditional events, Hell’s Kitchen 2012 would embrace local-specific competition. 

1) Blackout Navigation. This competition would begin at 3am in the Upper East Side. Competitors would down ten shots of bottom shelf vodka and three beers in thirty minutes, and then be told to find their way back to Hell’s Kitchen. Team work is not allowed. Subway cards are not provided. Credit cards are provided, though judges move all cards to the wrong pocket of the competitors' coats around the 8th shot of vodka. The competitor who navigates home in the best time wins. Time penalties are applied for vomiting in taxis and peeing on subway tracks. Time bonuses are applied if the next morning, competitors can recall how they got home.  

 

2)  No HIV-Test-Suggestion Doctor's Visit. The premise is simple: Contestants must complete a doctor's appointment without the doctor suggesting an HIV test. The catch? Competitors must say they're gay. Single? Not sexually active? In a monogamous relationship for 10 years? Castrated at age 12? Makes no difference to these doctors, you HIV-prone homo! Because of this challenge's difficulty, gold medals are awarded to all who succeed.

3) Name that #1 British Pop Song. Contestants will listen to and identify a series of songs that have hit #1 on the UK pop charts. Ellie Goulding, Pixie Lott, Cheryl Cole, The Saturdays, Girls Aloud--they're all fair game. Andrew will present each song dressed as a geisha, and will purse his lips in quiet disdain as contestants fail to recognize hit singles. Nicole Scherzinger will make a guest appearance to remind everyone she's had mild success in the UK. Bonus points are given to anyone who can identify her by name (partial points are awarded for "that flop judge from X-Factor," and "that girl who has released 7 singles in the US and still not dropped Killer Love.") 

Geisha Andrew cannot believe you don't know these singers.

Hosts:

Andy Cohen--Will interview gold medal winners at the Bravo Clubhouse during Watch What Happens Live.

Ru Paul--Will be forced to dress as a woman the whole time. She's better in drag.

Rosie O’Donnell--Will also be forced to dress as a woman the whole time.

Anderson Cooper--Because someone needs to lend this event some credibility.