Five Tips for a Slim 2012 Body

The first week in January is a bitch. Our houses are in shambles from a week of partying, our Christmas trees look deader than Jennifer Hudson’s family, and—worst of all—we’re feeling fat, bloated, and guilty from several nights of binging and boozing. Fear not—you no longer need to feel as guilty as a Penn State coach at a playground and look as rotund as Melanie Amaro. Follow my simple 5-step healthy body plan and you, too, can reach your birth weight in no time!

1. Eat Healthy

So many diets tout the benefits of filling your body with fruits, vegetables, and proteins. What these diets naively ignore is that these nutritious treats are, indeed, food. Food is full of CALORIES. Hungry? Well maybe your fat ass shouldn’t have eaten all that pizza Friday night after staying out till 4:00a.m. on Grindr hookups. Eating healthy for you means saying no.  

2. Small snacks instead of big meals

One mustn’t forget the importance of scheduling time throughout one’s day for snacks. Therefore, stop every 30 to 40 minutes to indulge in a cigarette and a diet coke. If you bore of this routine, spice up your snacks by swapping out the diet coke for water! Still bored? Try drinking from your favorite martini glass. Who knew losing weight could be so fun!

3. Practice Breathing Exercises

A number of faiths have longed praised the merits of meditation as a breathing exercise to focus one’s mind. Such techniques can be very beneficial for losing those post-holiday pounds, too. When the hunger whore comes knocking at your belly, satisfy her by breathing in the aroma of a crispy stalk of celery or a freshly baked rice cake. Don’t actually place the temptation in your mouth, however; God can see your sin, and his kingdom does not shine brightly upon fat asses (Matthew 28:19).

4. Stay Hydrated 

Bodies can be foolish and confuse hunger with thirst. To avoid such complications, carry a Nalgene bottle full of gin and tonic with you at all times. The average person should drink three to four bottles a day, though adjust accordingly if your diet requires additional hydration. Fun tip: Decorate your Nalgene with pictures of people skinnier than you to serve as that extra boost of motivation! 

5. Focus on Yourself 

Most importantly, don’t forget to remind yourself why you’re doing this! Getting back in shape is never easy, and repeating a mantra can cement goals. Say it with me now: “It’s all my fault! I deserve this treatment because I couldn't control my lifestyle!” Isn't that better? Feel that warm rumble in your belly? That’s success, my friend, and you’re on your way!