Who Are These Faggots, Anyway?

These bitches could never be as glamorous as us!!

Andrew here! I think we are getting a little bit ahead of ourselves! Here you are reading off-color JHud jokes and being told you're too fat to even be on here, and you don't even know who these uppity homos are! As such, I decided to put together a brief biography on all of the classless ladies who reside on this blog. Ladies and ladies...I present to you, the Real Housewives of Hell's Kitchen!!

Peter

Peter is a professional dildo tester, gloryhole conoisseur, and hooker outside of various NYC law schools. He is known best for aspiring to be like D-list actresses and untalented pop singers, and has been able to gain some local fame for always being “down for whatever” on his GrindR. When he isn’t setting respect for the LGBT community back 25 years, he likes to practice his runway walk (Think barbie toe), beat his face into M2F territory, and find new spaces to store glitter in his body. Due to his lack of substance and legitimate things to add to the collective Hell’s Kitchen lifestyle, Peter is best described as the Cindy Barshop of HK!

Anthony

The inspiration for Keri Hilson’s latest YouTube smash “Parking Lot Pussy”, this soon-to-be New Yorker has perfected the art of fast food hook-ups. When he isn’t cooking lentls (Big gay Stresiand fan), he likes to wear Dollar Tree weaves and pretend he is Solange Knowles. Proud of his citywide renown as a LaToya Jackson impersonator due to their similar resemblance to ET, Anthony has taken to working in television production in hopes of one day meeting his personal inspiration, Courtney Stodden. As one of the honorary Housewives of Hell’s Kitchen, Anthony spends his nights dancing in low-rent bars and making people say “Beyonce could never!”

Shaun

As the blog’s leading classy uncircumcized penis expert, Shaun is famous on his block for having a face so beaten down that people ask if he is an extra for The Walking Dead. He is also one of Hell’s Kitchen’s premiere dabbler in the art of collecting clearance Pay-less heels. This paired with his Judy Garland level of alcoholism has set him on the fast lane to be in the top echelon of the C-List gays in NYC, and honor that Shaun is quite grateful for. While his generally rude demeanor has led him to be banned from the majority of the bars in Hell’s Kitchen, Shaun still spends his time prancing around the city being an all-around faggot.

Steven

A self-proclaimed purveyor of tacky decorations, Steven likes to spend his days going to janky antique shops and any vintage store that sells either billowy clothing or anything with strings. He recently gained fame by pressing charges against Dana Wilkey for stealing most of his personality traits, but was unable to get a judgment in his favor due to his unprofessional choice of clothing (a cowl neck skank tank!). Despite his quest to make his forehead look as big as Rihanna’s, the other Housewives allow him to occassionally come to their poppers parties, as long as gets rid of his ever present santorum scent beforehand.

Liam

A New Yorker best known as “Hey you aren’t allowed 100 feet from this playground!”, the costume addled Liam suffers from a physical and personality resemblance to Roger from American Dad. Most days he can be found singing showtunes, drinking home-brewed wine, and wearing various female wigs in Hell’s Kitchen bars (read as: bathhouses). While he has been having an ongoing dispute with GrindR for “using their service too often”, he has also been working towards his long-time goal to be mistaken for Patti Lupone on the streets of Hell’s Kitchen by an out-of-towner.