RECAP: RuPaul's Drag Race S04E01

Well, well, well girls...here we are. Back for a 4th pumped up, slapped together campfest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Despite my intact bitterness that the talentless Raja won last season (just one season after the talentless Tyra Sanchez won), I am beyond excited for this one! The girls are more varied than ever, there are a few hilarious girls instead of one comedic but ultimately tragic queen, and a few seem intent to cunt it up from the beginning!

Since the first episode is mostly a muddled intro + a stupid challenge to weed out the really weak queens, for this first recap I will just go through the girls and talk about what was or wasn’t memorable about them.

Alisa Summers - who? The first girl to leave us was a tacky mess with an over-accentuated breast plate, a DUI, and a sparkly panty costume to make my eyes twitch for days. She made no real impression personality wise, and her costume was immediately recognizable as the weakest to me. At least Jiggly, the other girl in the bottom, had funny arms in her costumes to make her look like Queen of the Armageddon Heap. This was just an ugly swimsuit with an ugly breastplate. Sashay away, indeed!

Chad Michaels - an old girl! I am actually sort of a fan of this one. Specializing in celebrity impersonation, this fossil actually straight up looks like Broadway legend Chita Rivera, but apparently is best “known” for Cher? I don’t quite see it, but hey, whatever tucks you in at night! I like this broad’s deep gravelly voice, and I think she will be a nice novelty for the first four episodes until she is kicked off.

Dida Ritz - CH. OK so this bitch didn’t make that much of an impression period on me except her getting all extra on Untucked for no reason. But I will address that messy shit she came in with to begin with. That ugly, 5 and Dime wig and the hideous makeup was not the way to make a first impression. If I were Ru I would have strolled over there, taken my glasses off, slapped her in the face, and shown her back to the Walmart parking lot she has been opening for Keri Hilson at. Mz Ritz was DOA for me.

Jiggly Caliente - OK so I have a bit of a soft spot for this girl because 1) she is just not cute and I feel for her and 2) I actually know this one a little bit and know that she is a spectacular performer. Drag superstar she ain’t, though. I think we saw that from her garish costume and even more garish excuses afterward. OH you didn’t learn how to sew? Not even a little bit? As the equally Dida pointed out, this is not Season 1. You should have fucking learned instead of pulling that Shangela excuse out of the box as it were (did anyone else’s heart stop when Shangie popped out of the box?! That was some New York on Flavor of Love shit!). I will be happy to watch Jiggly stay for a while, but she has no hopes of being Top 3.

Kenya Michaels - SNORE. Remember Jessica Wild? Remember Yara Sofia? They were more creative and more talented than you seem to be, looked exactly the same, and we hadn’t seen them before. I am done with you already, muchacha. You can sing America from West Side Story all day long, but you are still heading back on the quickest kayak back to Puerto Rico that I can find you.

Lashauwn Beyond - Ghetto name. Ghetto girl. Ugly contacts. Ugly costume. Bad attitude. Next!

Latrice Royale - NOW THIS GIRL I can get INTO!! I like the bitch as Aretha Franklin. I like the bitch as Biggie Smalls. I love a big black drag queen, especially one who seems to sort of have her act together. I am hoping this is the case with Ms. Royale, and she doesn’t end up being another Mystique or whomever that big bitch from Chicago was called. Once she pounded her way into that room (pounding is really the only way to describe something that large moving, right?), I was here for her. Top 5 at least? Doubt it, but here’s hoping!

Madame LaQueer - OK. LOVE the name. JEALOUS of the name. But otherwise I didn’t get anything from her. I haven’t counted her out yet as big girls are often some of the most inventive because they have to be, so I will wait and see on Madame. Also is she Hispanic? Did anyone get a read on her, other than that her eye make-up is almost uniformly grotesque?

Milan - Two words: BABY TEETH. Oh three more: HOOKED ON PHONICS. Just two more: GOOD. BYE.

Phi Phi O’Hara - So, I don’t even know why I am bothering hating this girl because between her extremely polished and creative looks and her overzealousness in being the main cunt of the group, she will almost definitely make it to the Top 3. I can feel it. But the way she went after Willam like maybe Willam killed her family Jennifer Hudson style was just inappropriate and really off-putting. She is the Raven of this season, and I  couldn’t stand her either. So keep it coming Phi Phi because Ru needs the ratings...but don’t be upset when no one is sad to see your ass go!

Sharon Needles - HERE. WE. GO. Now...I am more often a fan of camp and hilarious drag queens who also manage to look beautiful and interesting. I want entertainment! But Sharon is that rare breed that slips into the boy drag look and actually makes it entertaining and not faux-provocative (cough Raja and Ongina cough). Instantly hilarious with perfect timing, seemingly endlessly creative, and a definite shot in the arm that this competition needed. We haven’t quite seen someone like her in the last few seasons, and her winning outfit in the first competition was very much inspired. She is an entertainer first and foremost, and that is what a drag queen should be, rather than a runway girl. My very early favorite for the win!

The Princess - Despite the annoying name, I actually am intrigued and I think like The Princess. She has interesting ideas, funny monologues and reactions, and seems like a little bit of a misfit. I don’t see her making it all too far, and she will be forgotten as quickly as Elisha Winters or whatever her name is, but I am happy she is here.

Willam - BIG FAN. Having actually seen some hilarious videos of Willam doing random characters and knowing that she has actually been involved in some bigger things, I immediately see a queen who knows how to actually work within the business and possibly become a superstar. I also found her constantly entertaining and funny. I particularly enjoyed that she didn’t really go fully into it with Phi Phi when she was being verbally assaulted for no reason. She seems level headed and motivated and creative. I am hoping for her to be in the top 3.

OK so first episode impression for Top 3 is: Willam, Sharon Needles, and Phi Phi O’Hara. But you never know the twists and turns that tricky RuPaul will throw at these girls....so we will just have to wait and see! Tune in next week for the second episode’s recap!